Family,  Life

Moments of Self Reflection

Personal Inventory of a Beautiful Mess

Self reflection is something that I tend to do often but it has an adverse affect on me. Instead of me taking the personal inventory that I’ve collected to better myself, I take it and beat myself down.

We all know that saying, “You are your own worse enemy”. Well it’s almost as though it defines exactly who I am, sadly. I realize now that I’ve been such an enemy to myself that it’s affected so many relationships in my life.

I’ve had many moments of drowning myself in such negative thoughts that I’ve unintentionally and sometimes intentionally, pushed people away from me. I mean, how can I trust someone else with my heart and my thoughts if I can’t even begin to trust myself? How could I allow anyone to see what I see of myself?

How can I say that I truly love someone when I don’t even know how to love myself properly? I’ve even questioned and tortured myself with whether or not I was even worthy of others love, so in return I would refuse to love myself because I myself was not worthy of my own love. These are just a few of the questions that haunt my soul on a regular basis. My inner voice can be cruel and manipulative.

Do you know how low of a point in life one must be to not feel they are worthy enough to love themselves?  It is a lonely, dark, and unforgiving place!

I apologize sincerely,

I dread those moments dearly! I don’t wish them on my worst enemy! I don’t wish them on me any longer either!

I am sorry to all the people in my life, at some point or another, that I have hurt. I am sorry that the lack of love I had for myself reflected in the way I tried to love you.

I apologize for not being able to be there for you because I had no understanding of what it meant to you at the time.

For my absence in my life and yours, I apologize sincerely.

I apologize for staying silent when I should have let you know how I felt to help us build a stronger bond. For my lack of voice and standing up for us, I apologize sincerely.

I apologize for shutting you out before giving you the opportunity to accept me or for me to accept you, for that I sincerely apologize.

 I apologize for not knowing how to be a friend when I promised I did. For the distance, isolation, and judgement, I sincerely apologize.

Most of all, I apologize to myself for not taking the time and having the patience to understand who I am and forcing you to live in the who you were and live with the ideas of how you grew up.

I am a work in progress. I am learning to admit my faults and hold myself accountable because being unaware is no longer acceptable. I want to cherish life and the few people who I have remaining in mines as well. I no longer wish to hold on to negativity and allow it to hinder my growth!

I accept that I am a beautiful mess but I’m not done yet!

 

 

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