Ranting: Excuse my language!

Ranting: Excuse my language!

 

Warning: This is me ranting so read at your own risk!

Hello fellow bloggers and people of the internet! I’ve been working on controlling my anger for the past couple of months so I am definitely in need of a release and having a good ole ranting session is what I decided on, so here goes!

Why can’t people say things out of their mouth and actually mean what they say? I swear for the fucking life of me I just don’t get it. If you know that what you are agreeing to or committing to is something that you don’t have the discipline or just plain fucks to give on the subject then just mind your fucking business and stay in the lane that is provided for you! I mean seriously! It would help make life so much easier for the people depending on your word.

Playing victim in a situation you’ve created. Omg! This shit right here drives me absolutely insane!! Seriously grow the fuck up! We are adults! If you make a choice to do or say something that you know will have adverse affects then be prepared for the consequences that come along with it! Don’t pretend like you don’t understand the emotion being handed to you just own up to your shit and make it right.

My next rant is about reaching out and spending time. Now even I can admit that I haven’t always been good at this one so I am a lot more understanding. However, it still sucks and therefore it is part of my rant today. If a person is taking the time to put in effort and reach out and spend time with you but you always blow them off don’t accuse them of switching up on you when they decide to take a step back. We are all busy and life is happening not just for you and me but everybody! If for some reason you just don’t want to be around that person maybe letting them know would be a better option then allowing them to waste their time on you.

Yeah I understand that sometimes life sucks but be considerate of others, life is happening to them too!

Have a great day!

 

 

 

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The Way She Loves

The Way She Loves

The Way She Loves

The way she loves,

Harsh and cruel is her inner critic.

Her mental wrath is swift and vicious.

She breaths tortured thoughts into an already broken soul, which harbors every word.

The pain she endures runs deep into treacherous territory,

Oh, the way she loves.

Her path unclear and filled with trepidation.

Lost within the world of tortured thoughts of past, present, and future,

The anxiety of the known and unknown weighing her down like an anchor.

Oh, the way she loves.

Where does she go from here?

How does she break free of the voice that has haunted her since childhood?

To let it go would be unrealistic.

Unrealistic due to her lack of understanding the “why”.

Searching for answers of understanding yet afraid to confront the outcome.

Oh, the way she loves.

Why do you care so much?

Do you find delight in the pain and self-torture that is afflicted upon those who haven’t been taught to love themselves?

Silently, she sits as you damage your soul question after question, with no answer to comfort the weakened eyes staring in the mirror,

No consoling the voice crying out for insight.

Oh, the way she loves.

Question after question and still no response,

Oh how she plays this game with the best tactics.

She is well aware that a mere response will bring comfort, while silence to the over thinker can be detrimental to one’s mentality.

Boisterous, obnoxious, intoxicating love is what holds her heart hostage.

Is this the way of love?

Maybe not, but it’s the way she loves.

From past and present experiences, she knows that love is reckless and cuts deep.

However, she wears her scars well without necessary repair.

The way she loves is the only love she has ever known,

Dysfunctional, angry, resentful love is the atmosphere where her love resides.

And this, is the way she loves.

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Moments of Self Reflection

Moments of Self Reflection

Personal Inventory of a Beautiful Mess

Self reflection is something that I tend to do often but it has an adverse affect on me. Instead of me taking the personal inventory that I’ve collected to better myself, I take it and beat myself down.

We all know that saying, “You are your own worse enemy”. Well it’s almost as though it defines exactly who I am, sadly. I realize now that I’ve been such an enemy to myself that it’s affected so many relationships in my life.

I’ve had many moments of drowning myself in such negative thoughts that I’ve unintentionally and sometimes intentionally, pushed people away from me. I mean, how can I trust someone else with my heart and my thoughts if I can’t even begin to trust myself? How could I allow anyone to see what I see of myself?

How can I say that I truly love someone when I don’t even know how to love myself properly? I’ve even questioned and tortured myself with whether or not I was even worthy of others love, so in return I would refuse to love myself because I myself was not worthy of my own love. These are just a few of the questions that haunt my soul on a regular basis. My inner voice can be cruel and manipulative.

Do you know how low of a point in life one must be to not feel they are worthy enough to love themselves?  It is a lonely, dark, and unforgiving place!

I apologize sincerely,

I dread those moments dearly! I don’t wish them on my worst enemy! I don’t wish them on me any longer either!

I am sorry to all the people in my life, at some point or another, that I have hurt. I am sorry that the lack of love I had for myself reflected in the way I tried to love you.

I apologize for not being able to be there for you because I had no understanding of what it meant to you at the time.

For my absence in my life and yours, I apologize sincerely.

I apologize for staying silent when I should have let you know how I felt to help us build a stronger bond. For my lack of voice and standing up for us, I apologize sincerely.

I apologize for shutting you out before giving you the opportunity to accept me or for me to accept you, for that I sincerely apologize.

 I apologize for not knowing how to be a friend when I promised I did. For the distance, isolation, and judgement, I sincerely apologize.

Most of all, I apologize to myself for not taking the time and having the patience to understand who I am and forcing you to live in the who you were and live with the ideas of how you grew up.

I am a work in progress. I am learning to admit my faults and hold myself accountable because being unaware is no longer acceptable. I want to cherish life and the few people who I have remaining in mines as well. I no longer wish to hold on to negativity and allow it to hinder my growth!

I accept that I am a beautiful mess but I’m not done yet!

 

 

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